There’s my uncle, sitting down on the couch while his daughter Ashley and niece Carly are making his hair beautiful by making a bunch of pigtails. His hair barely reaching the ears, so all the ponies are small. There’s only four visible so far.
It’s during the year 2002, just another day unlike no other. My uncle’s blank face, leaves me wondering what he actually is thinking. I assume, it’s what the hell did I get myself into or what am I going to look like at the end of this. Only if we knew this was the last time we’d see this expression because he would have committed suicide November 2003.
If you look closely, in the window there’s a tiny little play set. Will he ever take us on this or let us do his hair again? There’s no smile on his face, but every other time he does. A couple of months earlier is when this starts. We rarely see him so it took awhile to notice it. When you were around him you could tell how hard he was trying to hide his depression. The depression of being sad, mad, and unloved because he never sees his family anymore.
John left us like the drop of a hat. We were so blinded by the good times as a family we were having that no one noticed we were slowly pushing him out of our lives. He leaves us with a note. Note that states I’m sorry if I ever hurt you guys, I’ll promise I’ll never do it again, I love you guys so much, it would be easier without me in your life and this is what needs to happen. I’m so sorry! He writes this note before making the decision to kick the wooden chair from beneath his feet. Making his body drop like a sack of potatoes and that rope is what takes his very last breath away.
I LOVE you so much uncle, I wish you were here with me right now. I MISS you like crazy and I’m ALWAYS thinking about you.
<3 always,
Cat Balou(:
This goes from loving and funny scene and then it's so sad and makes me want to cry.
ReplyDeleteI think you did so good showing, the kick of the wooden chair and body drop like a sack of potatoes.
This is a really great piece, keep showing and not telling!
Warm: easy to see the picture in my head. lots of descriptive words!
ReplyDeleteCool: try showing more then telling.
Great job !
I really like this. It is very touching and I teared up a little.I like the potatoes line. And the whole story is something I could picture.
ReplyDeleteSome parts of the story you just tell. You don't show it. like "...so all the ponies are small. There's only four visible so far" very bland and has no humph to it. Combined and add character like "..so the four finished ponies abruptly stick out as though they were stumps in a forrest."
ReplyDeleteI love how you took something some people can relate to, and others can't. Either way, it puts us in your perspective of how you feel. I felt myself wondering exacltly how you felt so i think one thing that would make this piece stronger is if you were to add more detail to "show" us how you felt. The we could relate to it better by relating to emotions as well, not just the situation.
ReplyDeleteThis great but very sad.:( i like how you put dates in the writing so we know when it happened. One thing you cold work on is showing not just telling for example when you say the tiny little play set, describe it more so the reader can picture it in their head
ReplyDeletethis piece was so sweet, it was real and you could feel for what you were writing. but you are telling in alot of the story work on showing
ReplyDelete